“I’m just tired”
“Being fine” or “I’m just tired” has become my regular response to how I’m feeling no matter what drama is going on inside my head. It’s a blunt lie I cover with a shake of my head and an off handed fake smile. Most times I can either fool. Or they just let it slide and go around it. Bringing up something else. That could just as easily unnerve me. It’s a struggle to be “everything” and “enough” for those who matter and mean the most. Being a working mother is absolutely hard. I sometimes find myself wondering what it’s be like if 3 years ago after having Jaelyn had I not gone back to the office. But instead tackled being a stay home farm wife & mom. Looking. Back. Honestly. I’d probably been worse off. But now as priorities tend to shift as you get older – it’s got me stopping and thinking more and more at what would “truly” make my life happier in the long run and maybe less stressful.
As the cooler months come in & my winter depression seems to start building its ugly head I start making lists. That I know already I won’t get too. Setting too high of expectations- and then becoming discouraged when I can’t tackle them. It’s a repeated cycle I’ve done for years.
This post is going to be pretty eye opening to some. Especially those who haven’t had the pleasure of seeing me after a severe anxiety attack happens. Most don’t know I even suffer from stress induce depression. I honestly feel that most people do not understand how stressful it can be to explain what’s going on inside your own head when you don’t even fully know yourself. To shut down my mind it takes a lot of slow meditation which I rarely take time for. Unless you’ve physically went through an anxiety attack let alone emotional distress then blowing off ones “crazy” usually just comes out as “she must be PMSing” or she’s just being a “bitch” today. When in reality I’ve just hit my max for the time being and need someone else to take the burden. even if it’s only for a few minutes.
Growing up and even now I tend to keep most things bottled up. Until I can barely function. And that’s a keep part. Sometimes the one person I think I could fully unload on has no clue of how to handle the situation. Depression is taking over the younger generation. The bulling is out of control. Don’t get me wrong being a sissy and being walked over all is very different. You’re supposed to be able to express how you feel but when taken into the wrong hands it can be very traumatizing. We should be empowering our youth & teens. Bring God back into their daily lives – replacing the Snapchat filters and FaceBook Memes.
Now I’m getting it off topic which tends to happen in my blogs because I honestly just let God work through my words you’re reading. 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 states that even Satan pretends to be an Angel of Light. You never truly know someone until they’ve opened up their mind to you. Don’t be one to quickly judge. Sometimes they’re not even looking for an answer. But just someone to vent and talk to about what’s taken over their mind.
When I wrote out “I’m fine” I also noticed if turned upside down… it could easily say “Help Me”
I am not whole – but I am not nearly as broken as I was once before. 💗