Failing & learning that’s okay ....
Growing up I was an A student - I studied. I worked at it. I got the grades. Failing was not an option. I wasn’t the “nerd” but I sure didn’t sit with the “popular” crowd either. I was just somewhere in the middle. Looking back - not sure I really fit in at any point. I kept thinking “fake it til ya make it”.
After Graduation - no one really truly prepares you for the outside world. I moved up north for a year and due to some issues & losing my Grandpa - I came back closer to home. But still felt “lost”. Life Happens. My dream plans didn’t work out - I changed colleges - got married way too young, and for the wrong reason & had a baby - I used to look at those things as “regrets”. Or Failures pure say in life - I let my OWNself down. Learning to cope with those things has taken a better part of the last decade to fully get through. Love my kiddos but they’ve definitely taken a toll on me.
This journey in life hasn’t always been easy. It’s been a rough backroad dirt path. One that I got lost in- for a while on the side of the road with a hole in the radiator type thing. It’s funny how I look back. And all that time God had been leading me to where I am at now. But I’d shut the door in his face so many times I can’t count them all. How often do we shut down a little Voice because we’re too scared of what others might think or say. It happens to me nearly every time I Blog - let alone post a VLog for the whole world to see.
Learning to come to terms with my mistakes and failures over the last few years has been a nightmare of sorts. In the Bible it says Repent & the Lord will forgive you - Change your Ways and Learn. Yet in MY doubt filled (Satan did that) mind. I’m still held in the past. Letting it eat me alive per say every single day.
I simply write to clear my head of these demons. The “Rescue” Series will draft from a scheduled time over the next few weeks - it’s written. But something keeps holding me back from just hitting publish. The doubt. That someone might get upset. Or call me out. Scares me. That’s how Anxiety of the Mind works. Satan plays head games with you until you lose faith and fall back into the blackness of Hell. I struggle with that daily. Learning to ReLove my self for the mistakes. Is hard. Learning to forgive myself. Is HARD. Learning to let Go - and Let God. Is Hard. Losing that control. And trusting that it WILL all work out .. is a very scary thing.
The Blog started out with so much high hopes back in 2019. I wanted to teach y’all my Farming Life. I wanted y’all to see our Hay business and now our ever growing Cattle Herd. I wanted y’all to be able to experience a Walk in the HayGirls Boots ... but the more I started to express my life - the more I worried what everyone was saying. So I stopped. Then this past November. Someone pulled me out of the blackhole funk I’d been hiding myself in - she may never read this. And that’s okay - our lives run in different directions. But I pray for her Daily. She’s never far from my mind. Because in a hindsight realty.... I owe her so much more than a simple “I’m sorry & Thank You for saving me”.....
As you can see ... the blogs run straight from my heart. There’s tears as I type away this morning. Knowing God is here. Knowing I have to Rise up & warrior up against what looms around. It’s more than just being a better wife & mother - I have to be a Better Warrior. I’m raising up Arrows - I’m the Light to many others darkness (I don’t full understand the why there since I struggle so much myself) but I know.. this path. Is where I’m supposed to be on at this time... and it hurt.. So much to get there. The Lord sees it all - for whatever reason the Trial and Errors You are going through. There is Purpose. Even when it feels like you’re defeated. There’s hope at the end of the tunnel... I pray that someone sees and gets something from this message this morning as I head to my safe spot down in the Horse Barn to start choring & get the day started even with a stress migraine.